5 Mistakes to avoid when speaking to a bereaved colleague (and what to say instead)

Have you ever been unsure of what to say to a bereaved colleague? Here are two versions of the same story: one with 'mistakes', and one with best practice, to show you the impact of both.

"What do I say to a bereaved colleague?"

The number one thing I get asked: "What do I say to a bereaved colleague?"

I think we get so stumped on this because of two key assumptions:

If we say the 'right' thing it'll make it better
If we say the 'wrong' thing we will make it so, so, much worse

A lot of pressure, right?

Let me try to alleviate that pressure: there is no perfect thing to say. Nothing can change what has happened or make it go away. We're only human.

On the flip side, I know many of you want the words. You want examples of what to say or not say and why. It's important to not just recognise the words but their impact too.

Which is exactly why I wanted to share these examples with you. Both versions are based on real stories that bereaved employees have shared with me, except this time they involve the same scenario to show you how this can change the outcome.

Consider these two stories

Version A:

Anna returned from bereavement leave after her dad died suddenly from a heart attack. Her colleague Simon knew she was coming back from leave that day but didn’t know what to say. When he asked how Anna was doing she said she isn’t sleeping and felt really sad. She has tears in her eyes as she shares this. She says she is still in shock and is really worried about her Mum too.

Simon doesn’t like seeing Anna so upset. He starts to feel uncomfortable and panics a bit. He wishes he could fix the situation and go back to how he and Anna were before this all happened. Good mates. Able to have a laugh. He doesn't know what to say so he decides to give some advice instead. He tells Anna “Maybe you should try some sleeping tablets? I’m sure you’ll feel better eventually and so will your Mum. When my Uncle died my Aunt was sad for a while but now she seems fine.”

Anna is quiet for a moment and looks upset. Simon notices and tries to quickly change the topic to something work-related. Anna is unresponsive. She quickly excuses herself and goes back to her desk.

Simon notices that Anna doesn’t strike up conversations as much after that. He feels like she might be avoiding him. They struggle to have the same rapport but Simon isn't sure how to address it, so their working relationship deteriorates.

Uncomfortable, right... But what exactly makes it uncomfortable?

Simon does a few things here:

He ignores the signs that Anna is upset and might need comforting
He offers unsolicited advice without being asked
He compares Anna's situation to someone else's, in this case, his Aunt's
He overrides silence and quickly changes the subject
He avoids addressing what has happened when he hurts Anna's feelings.

All of us could be Simon. In fact, these are some of the most common 'mistakes' that people tell me when they share their bereavement stories.

So what can we do instead?

Let's consider an alternative

Version B:

Anna returned from bereavement leave after her dad died suddenly from a heart attack. Her colleague Simon knew she was coming back from leave that day but didn’t know what to say. When he asked how Anna was doing she said she isn’t sleeping and felt really sad. She has tears in her eyes as she shares this. She says she is still in shock and is really worried about her Mum too.

Simon doesn't like seeing Anna so upset but he reminds himself he can’t ‘fix’ the situation. Instead, he can listen and offer Anna support. His own experiences of bereavement start to come up but he recognises that this might not be the right time to share it, and Anna hasn't asked.

Instead, he tells Anna “I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad, Anna. It sounds like it’s been really hard. It’s okay to be in shock, you’ve been through a huge loss.”

Anna is quiet for a moment and Simon sits in silence. He lets Anna think for a while. Eventually, she takes a deep breath and says “Thanks, Simon. I really needed to hear that.

Simon adds "You're welcome. I know now may not be the best time to chat, but if you ever want to, I'm here. We could go for a walk, or grab lunch. Whatever you feel like."

Anna thanks him. "Yeah not right now, I have some stuff to catch up on. But maybe another time?"

They part ways and both go back to work. Simon continues to check in with Anna every few days to see how she's doing.

Around a week later, Anna sends Simon a message: "Bad day. Walk and talk around the block?"

They go for a walk and Simon listens. Afterwards, Anna feels better and Simon is glad he was able to help. Anna has good days and bad days, but she feels well supported knowing Simon is there to listen.

This one feels a bit better, right? It's more in tune with Anna's needs and more focused on her...

Simon does a few things here that are really nice:

He takes a moment to check in with himself, which prevents him from being impulsive or taking the focus off Anna
He acknowledges what has happened specifically, with details, and lets Anna know that he has heard what she shared with him
He respects silence, recognising this as an opportunity for Anna to process and reflect on what has been said
He offers support and suggests a few different options but ultimately lets Anna decide if she takes this up
He gives Anna space. The support isn't taken immediately but he keeps checking in and letting her know the offer still stands.

What if I make a mistake?

You probably will. All of us will. But this doesn't need to be the end of the conversation or offer of support.

If you do find yourself upsetting the other person or something doesn't come out right, you can always try these:

"I'm sorry - that didn't come out right, what I meant by that was..."

"I can see I've upset you. I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention."

"Thank you for correcting me. I'm still learning. I appreciate your patience with me."

Summary

Having difficult conversations, like those about bereavement, is a skill. It takes practice, patience and self-discipline.

You may not always get it right, and that's okay. You may not have solutions or advice and that's okay too. What we can do is listen and offer support, even if the other person doesn't take us up on it.

When I talk to people who have been bereaved they often say the same thing:

"I don't remember what they said, but I do remember who reached out."

When in doubt, say something. You will never regret it as much as being one of the ones who ignored them.

Let's stay in touch

I lead the Compassionate Employers programme for Hospice UK, the national charity for end of life care. Compassionate Employers is a workplace wellbeing programme that currently supports over 43,500 employees through grief, dying and caring at work.

To learn more about what we do, attend our free events or sign up for our e-news community, visit Compassionate Employers Webinars.

You can contact Faith with any comments or questions by email or by connecting on LinkedIn.